Letters from Tick Tock

Mum,     I don't quite know what to do with myself. All I keep doing is replaying the day that you passed away. I can't help but feel guilt because I never got to make that last phone call.     I literally keep going through everything that happened between 10 and 1 that day, keep thinking about speaking to Dad, waiting for L and panicking like mad. It all seems so sureal and feel so confused and lost about the whole thing.    Stepping into the hospital and getting closer to the ward was so difficult knowing you were already gone. With every step I felt sick and I didn't want to go into the room at first. You looked so peaceful, so rested but I was, and still am, heartbroken.    They made us all a cup of tea, mine was too milky so I just sat and held it with one hand, the other holding yours. Just sitting and talking to you. Leaving was the hardest part, knowing that I wouldn't step on to the ward again to hear you moan about phisio or the noisy patient across t

Mum,       I am struggling again tonight, it still seems so unreal that I am never gonna see or speak to you again. I miss our nightly phonecalls, putting the world to rights and having a right laugh.     I am trying to put a brave face on more often now as I find it easier to do so than talk about it. The moment I say 'I miss Mum' it hits me like a thousand knives and the tears start rolling.    Why did you have to leave me so soon, I still don't quite understand how the tables turned so quickly, you were so sure that you were coming home and it all changed so fast.    Thank you for all the wonderful memories and making me the person I am today, I just wish I had a longer time with you and for Missy to know you more. It is so de javu that she had to lose you so early on just like me and I feel it is so unfair for the both of you.    Missing you always.          Tick Tock             X  X  X

Mum,      I really need you right now, my world is falling apart and I always turned to you for advice or just for a rant. L's car is broke, it just seems never ending this year and I have seriously had enough now.    I really wish that I had got more photos and videos of you and Missy, or even just showed your face when I vlogged. I have been going crazy looking through file after file, alk I have is an arm, or a voice and it's made me so angry at myself.    All the flowers have pretty much died now, just one lone orange one is doing ok, they seemed to help me through the last week so I am going to miss them when they are gone.     I hope you are having a great catch up with everyone up there, give them all a hug from me and tell them I miss them. Please show me the stars soon so I can see you once again.     Always with Love          Tick Tock xx

Mum,   It has already been a week since our final goodbye and it has really hit me. I am missing you more than ever and I am completely heartbroken that you are no longer with us.   I am finder it harder as the days go on not being able to pick up the phone for a chat. I loved our nightly chinwags and gossips. I jusy wish it wasn't so, it still seems so alien to me.   I also have so many questions to ask you, I just want to know your ok. You were and are still so loved by so many around me and I just wish that we spoke more the last time I phoned you, I wish I had held on just that little but longer to tell you about my day.   I also wish you had held on just that little bit longer, so you could hear me say how important you were to me one last time. It all happened so suddenly which made it even more unreal.      Tick Tock xx

Mum, There are so many things I want to tell you already, it hasn't even been a month since you fell asleep.     Missy got her place at CD that I have been worrying about so much. I heard what you would have said to me when I read the email (I told you not to worry).      Missy got two new beautiful pairs of glasses with the hinderedce of Auntie J and Uncle K. She looks so grown up.    L's has been incredible Mum, I couldn't have got through this without him. He has looked after me so much.    I miss you so much mum, I just want to tell you how much I love you and how incredible you were. I am sorry for the nagging, I just wanted you home where you should be right now. Please known how much of an inspiration you are to me and always will be, you will be there every step of the way.    I still can't believe that you are gone and that I will never see you or hear your voice again, it is so hard and I am so not ready for this.   I love you with all my heart,