Letters from Tick Tock

Mum, It's been a while but it didn't seem to help at at all, It felt silly in a way but I have really been missing you lately. I don't want to believe it, and neither does my mind. You have missed so much Mum, mine and Missy's birthday and her first day of school, she looked so grown up. She now has to wear a shirt and tie and she just looks so smart. L did good on my birthday, he got me some lovely gifts and even went for a meal with Dad too. Strange I know. Was odd you not being there in person. Lilly had a great day too, we took her swimming because that is what she wanted to do. She loved it, she splashed, danced and generally had fun. I now have a wonderful 5 year old daughter who should be growing up around you. We all miss you so so much Mum. I don't want you to be gone, I want and need you here with me. Love you so much.    Tick Tock xxx

Mum,      Hi mum, I know it's been a while but for a while it didn't help. I feel at such a loss right now and didn't really know where else to turn. I miss you more and more every day, and watching Missy grow before my eyes breaks my heart more knowing you'll never witness this.      I have heard so many people say, just one more phonecall, one more conversation but NO, becuase I would never want it to end, I would need want to say goodbye again. I just wish I had told you how much you meant to me more, and how special you still are to all of us.        Missy is doing well, she has been a bit of a pain today though and certainly pushed our buttons. L is still looking after me, making sure I eat, smile and take care of myself. Dad is doing OK, he misses you though.        We are going to have a meal next week at CM to celebrate P birthday (belated), your life and wish Dad well in his surgery. He goes in on Thursday which scares the hell out of me, his Op is on Frida

Mum,     I don't quite know what to do with myself. All I keep doing is replaying the day that you passed away. I can't help but feel guilt because I never got to make that last phone call.     I literally keep going through everything that happened between 10 and 1 that day, keep thinking about speaking to Dad, waiting for L and panicking like mad. It all seems so sureal and feel so confused and lost about the whole thing.    Stepping into the hospital and getting closer to the ward was so difficult knowing you were already gone. With every step I felt sick and I didn't want to go into the room at first. You looked so peaceful, so rested but I was, and still am, heartbroken.    They made us all a cup of tea, mine was too milky so I just sat and held it with one hand, the other holding yours. Just sitting and talking to you. Leaving was the hardest part, knowing that I wouldn't step on to the ward again to hear you moan about phisio or the noisy patient across t

Mum,       I am struggling again tonight, it still seems so unreal that I am never gonna see or speak to you again. I miss our nightly phonecalls, putting the world to rights and having a right laugh.     I am trying to put a brave face on more often now as I find it easier to do so than talk about it. The moment I say 'I miss Mum' it hits me like a thousand knives and the tears start rolling.    Why did you have to leave me so soon, I still don't quite understand how the tables turned so quickly, you were so sure that you were coming home and it all changed so fast.    Thank you for all the wonderful memories and making me the person I am today, I just wish I had a longer time with you and for Missy to know you more. It is so de javu that she had to lose you so early on just like me and I feel it is so unfair for the both of you.    Missing you always.          Tick Tock             X  X  X

Mum,      I really need you right now, my world is falling apart and I always turned to you for advice or just for a rant. L's car is broke, it just seems never ending this year and I have seriously had enough now.    I really wish that I had got more photos and videos of you and Missy, or even just showed your face when I vlogged. I have been going crazy looking through file after file, alk I have is an arm, or a voice and it's made me so angry at myself.    All the flowers have pretty much died now, just one lone orange one is doing ok, they seemed to help me through the last week so I am going to miss them when they are gone.     I hope you are having a great catch up with everyone up there, give them all a hug from me and tell them I miss them. Please show me the stars soon so I can see you once again.     Always with Love          Tick Tock xx

Mum,   It has already been a week since our final goodbye and it has really hit me. I am missing you more than ever and I am completely heartbroken that you are no longer with us.   I am finder it harder as the days go on not being able to pick up the phone for a chat. I loved our nightly chinwags and gossips. I jusy wish it wasn't so, it still seems so alien to me.   I also have so many questions to ask you, I just want to know your ok. You were and are still so loved by so many around me and I just wish that we spoke more the last time I phoned you, I wish I had held on just that little but longer to tell you about my day.   I also wish you had held on just that little bit longer, so you could hear me say how important you were to me one last time. It all happened so suddenly which made it even more unreal.      Tick Tock xx