Letters from Tick Tock

Mum, It's been a while but it didn't seem to help at at all, It felt silly in a way but I have really been missing you lately. I don't want to believe it, and neither does my mind. You have missed so much Mum, mine and Missy's birthday and her first day of school, she looked so grown up. She now has to wear a shirt and tie and she just looks so smart. L did good on my birthday, he got me some lovely gifts and even went for a meal with Dad too. Strange I know. Was odd you not being there in person. Lilly had a great day too, we took her swimming because that is what she wanted to do. She loved it, she splashed, danced and generally had fun. I now have a wonderful 5 year old daughter who should be growing up around you. We all miss you so so much Mum. I don't want you to be gone, I want and need you here with me. Love you so much.    Tick Tock xxx

Mum,     I don't quite know what to do with myself. All I keep doing is replaying the day that you passed away. I can't help but feel guilt because I never got to make that last phone call.     I literally keep going through everything that happened between 10 and 1 that day, keep thinking about speaking to Dad, waiting for L and panicking like mad. It all seems so sureal and feel so confused and lost about the whole thing.    Stepping into the hospital and getting closer to the ward was so difficult knowing you were already gone. With every step I felt sick and I didn't want to go into the room at first. You looked so peaceful, so rested but I was, and still am, heartbroken.    They made us all a cup of tea, mine was too milky so I just sat and held it with one hand, the other holding yours. Just sitting and talking to you. Leaving was the hardest part, knowing that I wouldn't step on to the ward again to hear you moan about phisio or the...

Mum,      I really need you right now, my world is falling apart and I always turned to you for advice or just for a rant. L's car is broke, it just seems never ending this year and I have seriously had enough now.    I really wish that I had got more photos and videos of you and Missy, or even just showed your face when I vlogged. I have been going crazy looking through file after file, alk I have is an arm, or a voice and it's made me so angry at myself.    All the flowers have pretty much died now, just one lone orange one is doing ok, they seemed to help me through the last week so I am going to miss them when they are gone.     I hope you are having a great catch up with everyone up there, give them all a hug from me and tell them I miss them. Please show me the stars soon so I can see you once again.     Always with Love          Tick Tock xx