Letters from Tick Tock

Mum,      Hi mum, I know it's been a while but for a while it didn't help. I feel at such a loss right now and didn't really know where else to turn. I miss you more and more every day, and watching Missy grow before my eyes breaks my heart more knowing you'll never witness this.      I have heard so many people say, just one more phonecall, one more conversation but NO, becuase I would never want it to end, I would need want to say goodbye again. I just wish I had told you how much you meant to me more, and how special you still are to all of us.        Missy is doing well, she has been a bit of a pain today though and certainly pushed our buttons. L is still looking after me, making sure I eat, smile and take care of myself. Dad is doing OK, he misses you though.        We are going to have a meal next week at CM to celebrate P birthday (belated), your life and wish Dad well in his ...

Mum,     I don't quite know what to do with myself. All I keep doing is replaying the day that you passed away. I can't help but feel guilt because I never got to make that last phone call.     I literally keep going through everything that happened between 10 and 1 that day, keep thinking about speaking to Dad, waiting for L and panicking like mad. It all seems so sureal and feel so confused and lost about the whole thing.    Stepping into the hospital and getting closer to the ward was so difficult knowing you were already gone. With every step I felt sick and I didn't want to go into the room at first. You looked so peaceful, so rested but I was, and still am, heartbroken.    They made us all a cup of tea, mine was too milky so I just sat and held it with one hand, the other holding yours. Just sitting and talking to you. Leaving was the hardest part, knowing that I wouldn't step on to the ward again to hear you moan about phisio or the...

Mum,      I really need you right now, my world is falling apart and I always turned to you for advice or just for a rant. L's car is broke, it just seems never ending this year and I have seriously had enough now.    I really wish that I had got more photos and videos of you and Missy, or even just showed your face when I vlogged. I have been going crazy looking through file after file, alk I have is an arm, or a voice and it's made me so angry at myself.    All the flowers have pretty much died now, just one lone orange one is doing ok, they seemed to help me through the last week so I am going to miss them when they are gone.     I hope you are having a great catch up with everyone up there, give them all a hug from me and tell them I miss them. Please show me the stars soon so I can see you once again.     Always with Love          Tick Tock xx